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730 eval - need to know who understands NPD


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#1 NeedHelpQuick

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Posted 14 April 2009 - 12:38 PM

Hi everyone. I am a new member. My ex and I are headed for a 730 evaluation. We came to an agreement in mediation, a month after it was entered (afer he delayed submiting it for a year) he filed an ex-parte. At our last hearing, the judge said he did not understand why he'd signed the order three times but refused to submit it to become a judgement? The judge said he was tired of this and would order a 730 evaluation if we came back. A month later, my ex filed an ex-parte (he is now pro-per) asking for 50/50. The judge, of course, refused to hear it, enraging my ex. He then found a loophole in our parenting plan that he is exploiting for all he can, and it keeps me from getting ajob.

I can share more of my story if anyone cares. The bottom line is, this guy has found EVERY loophole he can to exploit. It's insane. The mediator, my attorney, others who have been through this, EVERYONE, after looking at the details of our case, can't believe the lenghts this guy will go to to mess with me. Everytime I've tried to be flexible with him, or do him a favor, it has backfired.

We have been to 5 different therapists together, 4 of which have said that he is a narcissist, and believe he may have narcissistc personality disorder. However, he'll never stay in therapy long enough to diagnose him. One therapist told me that is typical, once he figures out the therapist is on to him, he bails.

I am so afraid of being viewed as just another couple who can't get along. Once someone actually looks at the PILES of evidence I have, they get it. I need to be sure we get an evaulator who will do that.

Does anyone have any reccomendations for an evaluator who GETS THIS? I know everyone says there ex is crazy...... for the sake of argument, can you please assume in this case IT'S TRUE?? I have piles and piles of evidence, if only someone will LOOK AT IT!!

He makes co-parenting impossible. I am terrified of what the future holds.

This whole thing has bankrupted me, and cost me my job and my home. I got a new job after moving in with my mohter, and he's cost me that, too, after he found a loophole in our parenting plan to exploit.

I need someone who is going to help me - who will see this and present it to the judge so that I can MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE AND GET A JOB

I am not, and never have, tried to keep our child from him. I have done everything I can to keep it together, offered him extra time multiple times, which he's refused every time. Then he goes to court and tells all kinds of lies. I'm scared. Theses have all been ex-parte, and all were denied, but still, it's part of the court record, and my defense and PROOF they are lies are not part of our file. I NEED SOMEONE WHO WILL TAKE THE TIME TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING AND SEE THAT I HAVE DOCUMENTED PROOF DISPROVING 99% of his lies. I need to go back to work, and he's keeping me from doing so. I NEED A GOOD EVALUATOR!!!

#2 Jim Reape

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Posted 14 April 2009 - 03:08 PM

Based on the info you have now you may want to suggest that the child custody evaluation be done by a psychologist or M.D> so that there is good psychological testing.
While it is scary for you because you are involved with it trust that if you have an experienced evaluator and experienced judge that they will see what is going on. Remain steady and do the right thing by the children and do not play into the games that he is trying to draw you into.

#3 NeedHelpQuick

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Posted 14 April 2009 - 03:32 PM

QUOTE(Jim Reape @ Apr 14 2009, 04:08 PM)
Based on the info you have now you may want to suggest that the child custody evaluation be done by a psychologist or M.D> so that there is good psychological testing.
  While it is scary for you because you are involved with it trust that if you have an experienced evaluator and experienced judge that they will see what is going on.  Remain steady and do the right thing by the children and do not play into the games that he is trying to draw you into.

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Thank you Jim. Unfortunately, I can't help but NOT play into the games, in order to protect my child. We came to an agreement in Feb. 08. My attorney encouraged me to "be flexible" and "give a little" So when it came to transportation, rather than return her to school, which was 5 miles off the freeway, I agreed to meet him at an office building right off the freeway when I could (at the time I worked from home), shaving 10 miles and 20 minutes off his commute. I was all about being flexible. I'd been to court so many times, not to mention PWC classes, additional therapy, etc... that I was about to lose my job. In Feb., after going to mediation and reaching an agreement, I told my boss "it's over. I'm yours full time" (she'd warned me I was in danger of losing my job) Well..... my attorney prepared the order, we signed, sent it to his attorney, who by then had subbed out, and then gave it to him to sign and submit himself. Which he never did. So.... back to court we go, and my boss finally had enough and said sorry, but we need someone who is fully committed. I was devestated, but understood. In October, he lost HIS job due to the same thing. He however ,was PROUD of this, said his daughter came before his career, and he didn't mind living off the state in order to fight for his daughter. So in Oct. 08, we filed a TSC to get him to submit the judgement. He then hires a new attorney who did all kinds of INSANE discovery. The judge was not happy, because we'd already reached an agreement, but let them do discovery. By the time discovery was completed, that attorney had subbed out as well. So now we are both unemployed, and I have to move home, 45 miles from my old place, and the place where I'd meet him off the freeway.

Our order states he returns her to daycare OR the mutually agreed upon place off the freeway. Once I moved, I put her in preschool in order for me to temp and look for work. Last week he filed an ex-parte (pro-per) requesting 50/50. (we live 33 miles apart and cannot communicate AT ALL) the judge refused to hear it. My ex was STEAMED. After his next visitation, he sent me a text message saying to check OurFamilyWizard.com I did, and he quoted the court order that says "father returns the child to daycare or the mutually agreed upon place" So now - he's saying "well, it says or, and I chose the place off the freeway" So - because of this loophole, I am now forced to drive 86 miles round trip twice a week, which results in my daughter being in the carseat a MINIMUM of an hour, usually an hour and a half, longer than necessary. By the time she gets to school, she's cranky and bratty. Not to mention, this does not allow ME to work. My ex says it does not matter. He is more than happy to continue to collect unemployment and stay home with her and I can work and pay him child support.
He says if I continue to not pick her up at the distant location, he will file contempt. (I've missed it twice because of job interviews) He also tells me how hard it is on my daughter, he tells her mommy will be there and she's not - do I know how heart breaking that is to hear her ask "where my mommy at? Do you know where's mommy?" And then says "please, don't flake on your daughter anymore. Do you even care about her at all?"

I can't afford to live on unemployment. (nor do I want to) But - how can I get a job and then risk him setting precedent of having her more custodial time because he refuses to return her to preschool? And claim he has to stay home because I refuse to pick her up at the stated location (despite the fact that the order says daycare OR the mutual place?)

I HOPE once I get this in front of a judge, or evaluator, they will see this. But in the meantime, my daughter's schedule is all out of whack, I've got no legal help, and a judge who is sick and tired of seeing us in his courtroom.

#4 Jim Reape

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Posted 15 April 2009 - 04:50 AM

Flexibility is one thing but permitting abuse is another. You need to tighten up your orders. You need to change the transportation to the receiving parent doing the pick up. You need to learn to define clear boundaries and respect and enforce them. You need to understand that you are in a situation with a truly difficult personality that you will never understand if you try to approach his moves for a standpoint of logic.
Conference with your attorney about tightening up your parenting plan and I am sure the judge will be on your side to close loopholes that are being exploited.


#5 NeedHelpQuick

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Posted 15 April 2009 - 07:38 AM

QUOTE(Jim Reape @ Apr 15 2009, 05:50 AM)
Flexibility is one thing but permitting abuse is another.  You need to tighten up your orders.  You need to change the transportation to the receiving parent doing the pick up.  You need to learn to define clear boundaries and respect and enforce them.  You need to understand that you are in a situation with a truly difficult personality that you will never understand if you try to approach his moves for a standpoint of logic.
  Conference with your attorney about tightening up your parenting plan and I am sure the judge will be on your side to close loopholes that are being exploited.

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Thank you. I no longer have an attorney sad.gif I am going to be pro per from here on out.

I have a second interview today that most likely will result in a job offer. (YAY!) Do you think this warrants an ex-parte hearing? If I go pro-per and just say "my apologies to the court. I've tried and tried to work this out. For four months, he was bringing her to her pre-school near my new home. The visitation following his ex-parte being denied, he said he would no longer to do and is forcing me to drive 86 miles, and forcing our daughter to be in the car an hour longer than necessary, and getting her to school late. The current scheduel does not allow either one of us to work full-time. I now have an offer of full-time employment, and I resepctfully ask the court for temporary orders that allow me to work and our daughter to keep her schedule and consistency at school?"

#6 Jim Reape

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Posted 15 April 2009 - 07:45 AM

Good luck with the job. No it is not ex parte worthy...you have good standing before the court as compared to him in part based on his lack of understanding and respect for the court. Additionally your application should not be piecemeal but should include a review of the orders with a fine tooth comb in order to close as many loopholes as possible in one hearing.

#7 NeedHelpQuick

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Posted 15 April 2009 - 04:37 PM

Thank you again.

At our last exchange, after he again refused to take our daughter to school, despite the fact that I'd told him I had a meeting that mornig, he purposley provoked me when I went to pick up our daughter. I went to take her from him, and he wouldn't let go. I tugged on her and said "Give her to me." (quitely, but quite sternly) Then he shouted "Oh my God!! Did you just rip her from my arms?? Under my breath, I said "go to hell" he chased me back to my car, shouting "what did you just say? what did you just say?" I ignored him and put my child in the car. Then I turned to walk around to my cardoor, and he blocked me. I told him GET OUT OF MY WAY. He said "no, you can go around the other way" I said it again, this time my voice rising (He is 6'3", 240 lb., I am 5'6", 160 lb) Still he would not move, I told him "you make me sick! How could you do this to her? You are a pathetic excuse for a father" At this point, he smiled, pulled up his shirt, pointed to a tape recorder, and said "thanks, I got what I needed"

I have a restraining order against him, and went to the police and filed a police report because he blocked my way.

Is THIS ex-parte worthy? I can ask to have the exchange occur at school, thereby avoiding him, and on Sat. morning, at the police station (which is 5 minutes from his house)

THe mutual meeting place is in a big parking lot off the freeway.

This is not the first time he's try to set me up like this, though it's been a while. The last time was after I got the restraining order. He was acting like he was being nice to me, and put his arm around my back as he said goodbye. I said "please don't touch me like that" He ignored me, and I said it again. Again, he ignored me. I emailed him and said "look, I know you were trying to be friendly, but after what you did, I'm not comfortable with you touching me. It makes me feel violated. I have no problem being cordial for our daughter's sake, but please, just don't touch me"

He replied "Touch you? The last thing in the world I want to do is touch you. We were putting our daughter in her carseat together. I lightly tapped your shoulder and asked if you needed anything, and you just ignored me. So I did it again, at which point you turned and glared at me. My girlfriend saw everything through the car window."


His girlfriend later made reference to this incident, and told me if we went to court, she'd testify about it. I told her I appreciate where she is coming from, and from where she was sitting, his story probably made sense. I then told her what really happened, and asked if she new about the restraining order and why I had it. She said no. I told her, and asked if now she understands why I wouldn't want him touching me.

But he continues to try and set me up. Random emails... "remember those two times you dropped her on her head?" (of course, that never happened) Other insane allegations about my former nanny and her brother.

So - he has a history of making things up, and setting things up to look a certain way. Given what happened at the last exchange, is that violation of the restraining order and my concerns about meeting at an empty parking lot reason enough to call an ex-parte?


#8 Jim Reape

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Posted 16 April 2009 - 06:21 AM

It may be worthy of ex parte although baited you were not at all innocent in the exchange. What orders are you going to request?
I agree that the exchanges as they are now do not serve the child well as they are taken as an opportunity for the two of you to fight and say inappropriate things about one another somewhere in the vicinity of the child. Even if the child does not hear the exchange the child certainly is impacted by the stress the parents have due to the fight.
If you seek ex parte orders seek also in the alternative an Order Shortening Time and hopefully you will get at least one of them.
It is important you you be most efficient and lay out all of the orders you are requesting in the specific language you are requesting...and of course your declaration needs to give a factual basis to support the requested orders as being in the best interest of the child and for your protection from the restrained party.

#9 NeedHelpQuick

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Posted 16 April 2009 - 09:01 AM

I am going to ask for pick ups and drop offs to be at her preschool, or at the police station nearest the receiving paties home if school is not appropiate. That will allow me to work, and not put me in a scary situation. We had a hearing to today at DCSS, and his harrassing emails through OurFamilyWizard are increasing. I do not want to meet him in an empty parking lot. He has a history of violence and harrassment when he's angry (broke into and vandalized his ex-wifes house on her birthday and the day their divorce was final) and the incident against me which resulted in the restraining order.

Thank you so much for your help. I will be very concise in my request. I've learned my lesson (finally)

My heart goes out to everyone who finds themselves in this situation. Thank you for this forum.

#10 DrumsRLRL

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Posted 22 May 2009 - 11:55 AM

Quickreply:

I just read through your e-mail thread, albeit rather quickly.

Could you provide the board an update in terms of the 730 evaluation - I did not see if the evaluation had been ordered and you were in the process, or?

Notably, my family has been through a 3111, 730 and an updated 730.

-Mark

#11 Jim Reape

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Posted 22 May 2009 - 12:17 PM

The evaluations regarding custody and visitation issues are now most properly referred to as family Code, Section 3110 evaluations....many of us old schoolers still slip every and now and then and refer to them as an Evidence Code, Section 730 evaluation.

#12 DrumsRLRL

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Posted 22 May 2009 - 01:20 PM

Just to be to be clear - My family underwent three (3) evaluations.

The first evaluation was characterized by the court as a "3111" - this was completed by a court-appointed evaluator who was an employee of the court (not sure if she had any credentials). No psychological testing was completed. It was basically a regurgitation of the record: all the he said/she said stuff; a review of our criminal records (none); a quick home visit (where the evaluator was more interested in my granite than my son); and finally a summary of findings and recommendations. The cost was $2,000 and took about three weeks to complete.
Due to the County's fouled up billing system I was never billed for this evaluation and have never paid for this engagement.

The second was a "730 evaluation" - this was performed by a PhD, contracted outside the court: Several psychological tests were performed on all parties (child included); IQ tests were administered; several very scripted series of sessions were performed (I did not get the chance to say all the he said/she said stuff - assumably nor did she); two home visits were performed wherein the evaluator forced us to role play some very challenging scenarios; evaluator ran the perfunctory background checks. Very complete examination and a very well-written report of findings and recommendations. Cost $12,500 - took about 3 months to complete. Evaluator appeared as an expert witness for an additional $2,000/day (2 days of testimony). I did pay this entire bill.

Finally, there was an update to the 730 exam. Same evaluator, however much less scripted and rigorous. I had the opportunity to basically speak my mind (as did my current wife - sons stepmom). $10,000 Update. $2,000/day for testimony.

Notably, I had prevailed on all evaluations.

Of interest, during one of the courts many scheduling screw-ups - I was standing in the court hallway (where most business is transacted) next to the evaluator - it was just the two of us, and I simply asked the evaluator what was going on with my ex. What was her problem(s)?

The evaluator replied, "I will deny this in Court, but your ex has a "personality disorder - may be several". She went on to state, "personality disorders are very difficult to resolve, especially given your ages (we are in our mid 40's). Further, I wanted to give you 100% custody of your child but I know your ex would have run or harmed your child. Again, she repeated that she would deny this in court (she knew I would not ask and that there was no need for me to ask given the state of the case at that point in time).

I did prevail during this hearing. I never repeated this info, other than to my wife. Even though my ex is mentally screwed up, my son loves her so very much I still believe that them maintaining contact and having a relationship is better than the alternative.

Now that I have completely gone off topic - if I was giving anyone advice on a 730 I would say to look closely in the mirror. Do what is in your child(s) best interest. Do not lie.

-Mark


#13 NeedHelpQuick

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Posted 22 May 2009 - 03:18 PM

Mark -

Thank you so much for the info. Holy cow. Neither of us has that kind of money. This whole proces has bankrupted me. I literally have NOTHING left. My 18 yo niece who works at the grocery store has more money than I do.

Part of the reason I want the 730 is to show he's crazy and put attempt to put an end to this insanity. I BEGGED him in the beginning not to do this, not to engage in the battle. Told him we'd wind up exactly where we were (EOW, one night a week) Nealy $80k later, that's exactly where we are.

We live 40 miles apart. He wants 50/50 He wants me to do half the driving. I tell him it's impossible, with both of us working fulltime. Not his problem he says. I just need to find a job that let's me have flexible hours. Or alternate weeks. I explain that doesn't work with school. Not a problem he says. He'll stay home aand I can pay him child support (he left a job making nearly 100k a year) He is "willing" to sacrafice his career to care for our daughter.

I lost my job over this. Recetnly, I had an opportunity to work, and llet him know. Told him to take her to school in the morning (as he'd been doing until the judge denied his exparte) Now all of a sudden, because the court order says we meet near my old home (40 miles away) or school, he elects the old drop off. When I don't go there (because I went to work) he files a police report and threatens contempt.

It's INSANE. My hope is with an evaluation, the evaluator will see he's nuts, and I can get full custody. Like yours, my child loves her father. I want them to continue to have a strong relationship (though some of the stuff he's done to her makes me question his love for her - I believe it's all a show for his girlfriend, who is pushing him to do all this. She's a nice woman, but very misguided, and has seriously overstepped her bounds numerous times, albiet with good intentions. However, before she came along, he showed ZERO interest in parenting. And they've broken up a few times, and everytime, he flakes out on our daughter. It's only when she is around that he pretends to be superdad. She's told me her own father abandon her, so she IS NOT GOING TO LET HIM DO THE SAME TO HIS DAUGHTER. She said now her whole life makes sense...... she went through what she did as a child so that she could "save" the relationship between my ex & our daughter. She told me to just let her know when my daughter had recitals, school events,, etc..... and she'll make sure they are there. I told her that's nice, but it's not YOUR job to make him a parent, and frankly, you aren't his wife, your just a girlfriend, and it's really not your place. She says they may not be married but they are a family unit. (They've only been together a year and a half)

But wow - if I'm going to spend THAT kind of money, and not even get someone who will sit down and hear my story..... I don't know......

Anyway - now it's me who's rambling - I TRULY appreciate your info. Do you mind if I email you privately?

#14 chanel007

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Posted 22 May 2009 - 06:34 PM

Question for Mark - what did your custody arrangement end up being and how old was your child then and how old is your child now? what were some of the things that caused you to have all these evaluations? what did your ex do?

#15 DrumsRLRL

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Posted 26 May 2009 - 05:49 AM

Arrangement is 60/40 (my 60).

Basically, my ex wanted me to never see our son (she has some mental issues long story). She had free legal counsel so she decided to litigate everything. So, ex was/is willing top stand before the court and say anything at one point she described a plot i had created to kill our entire family to get out of child support - that was the beginning of her undoing).

The issue for the court was that our son was a preemie (1lb 8ounces at birth) so this was very confusing to the court. MD's said child was fine, but mom continued to argue special needs - dad not capable. My attorney at the time did a terrible job of telling the true story (which was basically the child was released from the hospital because he was in great condition) - he had no special needs.

Child is now 8 - it has been one year since we went through the last court round - so he was seven at the time.

He is doing very well all things considered - mom still emotionally abuses him (not much you can do about that in this country) - i.e. your father did not make it to open house - it figures he never really cared -about you, etc.. These type of open conversations to our child.

It's not best situation, but at this point the court is very aware of mom and her issues (due to the 730).

-Mark


#16 DrumsRLRL

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Posted 28 May 2009 - 06:48 AM

Channel007:

After re-reading your question, I am not sure I completely answered one of them - "what caused to have all these evaluations".

In short, I sort of "baby-stepped" the process. They were usually my OSC requesting modification of visitation. Mom would not agree to any modifications and we were off to court.

Once at court, due to all the allegations, the child’s age, the preemie factor, the court ordered these evaluations (to include providing our son with his own representation) just to try and establish fact from fiction.

In retrospect, if I could do over, I would likely do some things differently. Likely, I would have taken a more go for the jugular approach. This is difficult when you are Pro Per.

Family Law is really a strategic game. Experience matters. Finding an honest, competent, semi-affordable attorney is difficult. However, if I had all these things, I might have approached this matter differently.

-Mark


#17 chanel007

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Posted 28 May 2009 - 06:53 AM

Mark,

How would you describe the going for the jugular approach...? Do you mean to say that you would have just filed for full custody at the get go?

#18 DrumsRLRL

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Posted 28 May 2009 - 07:12 AM

Yes. Given the circumstances in this case, I had an opportunity to prevail - it really is a long bizare story.

Basically, if the story was honestly written and you removed all gender reference, I am certain most would read it as though I was the female.

For example: x through threw a knife at y. Then x proceeded to attack y. Ironically x called the police, when the police arrived y had obvious cuts and bruises. Notably, there was a kitchen filet knife stuck in the hardwood floor. Several holes were kicked in the walls to which x admitted to doing.

If I had gone for the jugular, had the right attorney, witnesses, etc. I think I could have prevailed. However, there were a lot of "if's" - my experience with attorneys was not good (no offence Mr. Reape) and I felt baby-steps was a better approach.

-Y

#19 Jim Reape

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Posted 28 May 2009 - 07:18 AM

No offense taken...it is difficult to navigate a high conflict situation and your "baby steps" approach did in the end prevail.

#20 chanel007

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Posted 28 May 2009 - 07:31 AM

QUOTE(Jim Reape @ May 28 2009, 08:18 AM)
No offense taken...it is difficult to navigate a high conflict situation and your "baby steps" approach did in the end prevail.

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Did your ex through a knife at the child? If so, that is insane and can't believe that she has any custody at all.




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